So, the project FINALLY landed.
Off to the land of the free. Which is great - i LOVE free stuff.
While there are a number of shenanigans, before I departed Sydney, these are no longer of concern. I will start this short narrative from the International Airport.
Check-in was quite standard. Nothing really stood out, but nothing really ground my gears either. Cue family guy reference
Passed through immigration without a hitch, passed through security without passing a stool. Normally, I'm ALWAYS selected for additional screening, drugs, explosives, pirate dvds, etc.
This time, NOTHING. I was pretty impressed with myself.
Sadly this did not last long. After weaving my way through the overpriced wares on show at Sydney Duty Free, I made my way up to the Qantas Business Lounge. Sadly, I was unable to savor the delights on offer at the First Lounge as I lost my Platinum FF status last year.
I understood that the business lounge had undergone some pretty significant renovations of late. While I wasn't expecting no First Lounge, I was also not expecting what was awaiting me on the other side of the automatic doors.
Let me explain. Once upon a time, travel was fairly inaccessible. It was a luxury item and in fact, most people did not even have a passport. What this meant was that bogans were largely confined to the limits of Australian land and waters.
With the age of discounted travel and the coming of Jetstar, bogans have been given the opportunity to see the world and expand their horizons. Such destinations as Phuket, Bali and Niseko are prime examples of locations which have been boganised. I was able to further add another destination to this list - the Qantas Business Lounge. In fact, when I walked in, I wasn't quite sure whether I was still at the international airport, or whether i had been teleported to Rooty Hill RSL.
It was a testing hour and a bit in the lounge, and I left the lounge to try and go board a little earlier.
You might ask, what else might disprease renard? Renard is rather easiry unimpressed, dispreased etc. Qantas on time performance is another thing that vexes me. The boarding started late and the the process it self was extremely slow. For a gate which purportedly had at least THREE aerobridges, it took a DAMN LONG TIME to get everyone on board.
Anyway, late boarding leads to a late departure and a potential missed connection. At about 4pm i wish to call in a double airstrike. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and Golf Golf Foxtrot.
Surprisingly, my mood improved a lot more after we left the tarmac. The flight itself started off quite pleasantly. I observed a young child onboard sitting about 5 rows in front of me on the upper deck and I had begun to worry that it might be a sleepless flight.
However, I have nothing to report here but peace and quiet. Thanks to noise cancelling headphones and skillful parents (feeding the child alcohol) his presence remained largely unfelt... until the landing anyway.
The meals on board were typical of business class and were quite satisfactory.
I believe the only individual who did not approve of the meals was the aforementioned child who decided that it would please him to vomit over his parents when it was time to land.
Which brings us to US Customs and Border Protection. Because of our late departure, we ended up arriving at the same time as 4 other international flights. Essentially, it took about 1.5 hours to clear CBP.
Typical luck, I drew the dude that was taking his sweet ass time to clear people. In the time it took for him to deal with my entry, the guy next to him processed 9 people. Fortunately, these delays had minimal impact on my connection flight from LAX to JFK. That tends to happen when your connecting flight is also delayed...
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This gave me the opportunity to pay a visit to the American Airlines Admiral's Lounge. Cue *scoff*. A lounge with only Wifi for American Airlines FF pax? WTF
While the absence of rednecks was duly noted, no WiFi was a deal breaker. Admiral's Lounge... more like convict's meal room. Every where i turned, i saw someone eating a nondescript meal with their face.
So, in summary so far, 2 rubbish lounges, 2 late departures, 1 baby vomiting.
I must say, the latter in some ways redeems the other two, but only a teaspoon.
All of these shenanigans was made up in part by two things...
The attentive flight attendant on the American Airlines flight who fussed over me like I was a 10 year old who needed constant supervision, crayons and inflight entertainment. AND ... wait for it...
IN FLIGHT WIFI. ZOMG! It is awesome that you are allowed to use wifi on ze prane! Yes, this may be a little bit geeky, but I posted on facebook and had conversations on messenger from 35,000ft.
Although I'm 99.99% confident that I cannot lay claim to the fact that i was the first facebook user at 35,000ft, there are a large potential number of firsts that could be achieved. For instance, remarking on the quality of the meals as you eat it at 35,000ft. Or something less sanitary ... like posting a status update of "LOLOLOL ... taking a dump at 35,000ft".
Anyway, I get off the plane wait for my luggage and then go to my hotel.
On my way, I'm accosted by "wtf" glares from randoms. To put it in context, I was wearing Jeans and t-shirt. I had been told that it was only about 5-10C, perfectly fine t-shirt weather.
Anyway, it was actually -1C or 28F. Hobos, would have been warmer in their coats. Definitely better "prepared" and dressed for the occasion anyway.
Some douche actually walked up and said, you know it's not 50F out here, it's like 28F and i'm like, why don't you go F yourself? I KNOW it's not 50F because you don't get freaking snoticles forming at 50F.
By this time, I'm actually feeling pretty damn tired. I'm also feeling a little hungry, but then i remember, i made an awesome purchase back in LAX. I decide to go back up to my room with my company for a taste - a pair of sweet ass dark chocolate mounds. You may think that where I am going with this is not worksafe/childsafe ... too late... already past that point.
To convey what I mean graphically, please click here.
I could not have asked for a better first meal.... Actually I did, they just weren't serving downstairs anymore.
Now that I'm sure that I can't possibly choose any worse words ... i'm going to sign off.
Renard out.
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