A sign

Today I saw a girl wearing a cardboard sign which read


"Will listen to your problems for $2.00" 


This presented incredible value for money, so I engaged her services. For those unfamiliar with my afflictions, I have great number of problems/issues/etc and I figured I'd be getting great value for money ... however, instead of me venting, she vented to me ... WTF. 


I'm sorry, but I believe I paid YOU $2.00 so you would listen to MY problems. I was having trouble getting a word in sideways! 


I soon realised that I was being taken for a ride and that my two dorra was going to be a donation. Stubborn as I am, I decided to ask for my money back because she has misrepresented her services. Instead, she continued venting and pretty much just ignored what I had to say. 


In the end, after a brief shouting match outside Bryant Park, I relented and walked away. I must have looked like a complete mental because I was shouting at some crazy who wore a cardboard placard. Then I realised that I was in New York and people shout at each other for no apparent reason. 


Well played douche bag... well played... 

brown pants-ed myself .... nearly

The last week or so, I've been Hotel-hopping. Having been evicted from my apartment on two days notice, it was unsurprisingly a little bit difficult for me to find suitable accommodations on such short notice. 


// Start Back Story


The back story is that I "accidentally" signed a 6 month lease with Marriott Execustay. Unfortunately, my sensitive allergies were flaring up in the apartment and I was needing to get fully doped up on antihistamines to get through each day. 


Marriott had no problem with me leaving the apartment, but would keep me rent obligated if a new tenant could not be found. I was beginning to lose hope that i would be stuck for the remaining months in this apartment, however, on the 30th of March, I was duly informed that a new tenant had been found and that i had to GTFO by the 1st of April..... YAY!


Unfortunately, it is a little bit challenging to get an apartment on short notice, and i had to go through the proper channels to secure a new lease. This means waiting for strategic sourcing blah blah blah to do their thing. 


In the meantime, it meant i had to find a hotel to stay in. The only hotel which could accommodate me was none other than the W Hotel New York. FANCEE ... 


The hotel room was an absolute shoebox, but i got by for the week. On Sunday, my rate was going to go up significantly, so to be considerate, i changed hotels to the Element by Westin in Times Square West. I had my first glimpse of how it felt to live on the west side :)


// End Back Story


Anyway, I went skiing this weekend and I was pretty tired. It was the morning after my first night in the hotel... When I woke up, I went to the bathroom to put on my face for work. My bathroom has a full length mirror on the door and in my half awoken state, i reached out to push the door open. I was confronted by a dark image reaching out to me. I make no excuses, but I had no lights on and it was quite dark. To summarise ... here is a graphical re-enactment. 

I can honestly say, that my heart skipped a beat and concurrently, i brown pants-ed myself, perhaps just a teaspoon, but a change of underwear was nevertheless necessary. Please note that some embellishment has taken place ... the part about my heart skipping a beat that is ... 

Accident

So ... apparently, every time i go on a business trip, I'm involved in some vehicular accident. 


This trip is no different. SNAFU


After an excessive amount of time had elapsed since my last hair cut (as usual), I finally grew tired of the jokes and decided to get my hair cut. A few of my US colleagues remarked that they thought there were several birds nesting inside my hair. I reasoned that i could potentially be destroying a habitat ... by the thrifty side of me realised that i was expending too much product ... so to hell with the birds. which reminds me... here's a funny clip of birds...

I ask around to see whether anyone has got a hairdresser that they recommended. Unfortunately, almost everyone on my team is from out of town, so it's a hopeless cause. One recommends yelp.com, so i go and start reading through some reviews and settle on a hairdresser. 


Due to the popularity of this particular hairdresser , it was difficult to get a booking and so i settled for a thursday at 5:30pm. 


Come thursday, I intended to leave at 4:50 to catch the subway. Unfortunately, due to some unexpected work shenanigans, I didn't manage to walk away from desk until well after 5. Keen to keep my appointment, i tried to hail a cab outside my client's offices. Unfortunately, it was raining and the yellow cabs were in high demand. I settled for one of the town cars that do a flat rate service (and rip you off a little). 


Anyway, i tell him where i want to go and we're on our way.


We make about 5 or 6 cross streets, and then I hear him yell "OH SH!T"... accompanied by the slamming of the brakes. The car fish tails a little on account of the rain and then there is a loud thud....


In slow motion, I hear a scream from outside the car and i see a bicycle flying up over the car and then hitting the back windshield and scraping the boot of the car. 


People around us are screaming, yelling and swearing and accusing different individuals of being maniacs. 

I confess, while I made all these observations, it did take me a little while to react. It probably took me about half a minute before i thought "crap, my driver has just killed a cyclist". I believe the new version of Angry Birds is to blame for the tardiness in my reaction time.

My driver clearly needs to go check on the situation and he tells me to stay in the cab and not to get out. Then i look out the front windshield and there's a crowd gathering around the back of dump truck. All I can think is, sh1t, she's a goner. 


A minute passes and then the crowd starts to part. I thought I was dreaming, but then I see people helping the cyclist out of the dump truck. I didn't know whether to raff out roud or not. I mean sure, it's never cool to be hit by a car, but to be hit by a car and launched into a dump truck? I think that's very well rehearsed choreography ... the "eat sh1t" type of choreography. 


Now the accusations start flying ... one minute passes, two minute passes, three ... now i'm getting impatient. i have an appointment to get to and I'll admit, the impatience that many New Yorkers have is rubbing off on me. haha ... who am I kidding, we all know that is bollocks and that I have always been impatient. 


Then the police come along. Then it turns into a multi way shouting match ... I move to get out of the car, the driver then yells at me, "i'm almost done here. STAY IN THE CAR". 


I'm completely baffled as to what I should do. I start playing scenarios through in my mind on how i can get to my appointment on time. But true to his word, the driver returns moments later and we're on our way. 


What seemed to take an eternity to sort out, turned out to be 15 minutes. In the end, the police officer negotiated some sort of agreement whereby, no one got anything. The cyclist ran a red light, so was at fault. Her bicycle was mangled, but the driver's bumper was dented and his boot scratched. Essentially everyone walked away a little bit sore and with a little bit more adrenaline pumping through their system. 


About an hour later, i walked out with my hair cut and went back to start what would become a 100+ hour work week. 

Baffled

I refer to my post dated the 14 march 2011. 


"Practically everyone on the bus turns around with a WTF look and then starts laughing. I can only surmise that he was taking a sit down number 1, had face planted against the wall and then proceeded to pee into his pants."


This individual will go nameless, however, this is the conversation that transpired this morning. 


"How can guys take a sit down number 1? Is that even anatomically possible?!?!"


"Are you suggesting that if guys had to do number 1 and number 2, that we would first need to do number 1 standing up, then sit down for number 2? What if I change my mind and decided I had more number 1s? Do i need to stand up, turn around and repeat until complete???"


Sadly I had to go to work soon after... I think she's still a little baffled ...

i have a problem...

Let the following photos explain ...


I have noticed that my time in New York has had somewhat of an affect on me. Not only am I now able to shop online in the US, but there are so many bargains to be had... so many that I've seem to have lost self control. I have become rather thrifty... those of you who know me well enough, will know the typical comment i would insert here.


Photo 1... my 4 new snowboards (two new pair of fatties), ski bag, bindings, boot bag and a new pair of touring boots. Plus a pair of boots that were too small so I'm going to return them.

Hrm ... two pairs of pants, 5 jackets ... i'm sure i haven't gone over board ... actually, I haven't... these are all to be returned for a full refund :D 

And still more... a fleece and 5 jackets lol ... two of the left being ones for refund.

So stock take of purchases ...

• Black Diamond Factor Alpine Touring Boot
• Black Diamond Megawatt Ski
• Head Carlos Ski
• Tyrolia Peak 15
• Boot Bag
• Ski Bag

$1360

• 2 x Oakley Fleeces
• Solstice Fleece
• Oakley Jacket
• Mammut Goretex Pro Shell Jacket
• Marmot Flight Commander Jacket

$604

So ... for a whole new kit and then some... set me back $2K. Now to get a decent amount of work this year at the snow so it can be a tax deduction ... 


I LOVE SHOPPING HERE ... if I impulse buy, I can still return it :D

I heart ...

This is an absolute marathon post ...


So, most of the people reading this blog will know that I'm very passionate about my skiing.


So passionate I was, that I actually brought some of my ski gear with me from Sydney in the hope that I would go skiing. 


This weekend, I finally succeeded in booking a trip out to Mount Snow. Actually that name is deceptive... It should actually have been called Mount Ice for reasons that shall become obvious. 


The previous weekend, I received a tip from my colleague saying that they had a massive dump of snow (hehehehe dump) in Vermont. So much so that flights were grounded and she was stranded there for a few days and couldn't get a flight back in to work. I can think of worse places to be stranded... but i digress. As such, I got on to ze interweb and booked myself a trip out to Mount Snow in Vermont. At $100 dollars for the day, it was a bargain - 4.5 hour bus trip each way and lift ticket included. For $100 dollars, you can barely even get a day-pass for Perisher. 


I love Perisher and I work for them, but I'm fairly certain I will never pay to ski there ever again or anywhere in Australia for that matter. 


So let the shenanigans begin. 


It's 11PM on Saturday and I'm due to catch a 4:30AM bus from the Upper East Side on Sunday. I'm packing my shit making sure I've got everything and at about 12AM I'm finally about to get some shut eye. Just as i'm closing the laptop, I get an IM from a colleage...


"Did you know that we are switching over from day light savings time at 2AM?"


My response :


"No I fscken did not!"


So ... that's another hour of sleep i was not going to have. I frantically did some research and realised i had to wind my clocks forward one hour.


In hindsight, my mobile phone would have figured it out just fine, but my desk clock would have totally dropped the ball. Unlike this dog...

ANYWAY...

I get in a cab and make my way up to the upper east side and wait for the bus. Everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately, my stop was the last one and there were only a few seats left. I reluctantly take a seat towards the back of the bus, conveniently located to the in-bus toilet.

And wheels on the bus go round and round ...

Shenanigan number 1 (on the way up)

One of the guys clearly had a big night on Saturday and probably did not sleep at all. He had to relieve himself about an hour in so he uses the in-bus facilities. I can only speculate at what happened in the bathroom, but i'm fairly certain i'm on the money here.

As he's doing his thing, suddenly the bus has to brake suddenly. Shit is flying everywhere ... people are spilling drinks/food and luggage is dropping out of the overhead bins. 

With my toilet "vantage point", i hear this loud thud and a groan and then yelling from within the toilet. 

So, I'm having a bit of a giggle. A minute or two elapses then I see someone else walk up to the back of the bus. He knocks on the door and this is the conversation that transpired :

"Hey Mike, are you ok in there? I got your call but I couldn't hear you properly."

"OMG there is piss EVERYWHERE. Do you have a spare pair of pants????"

"UMM... WTF, did you pee yourself?" 

"OMG, IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG AND INTO MY SHOES!" 

"AHAHAHA THAT'S HILARIOUS. HEY JIM, MIKE JUST PEED ALL OVER HIMSELF. IT'S GOING INTO HIS SHOES!!! LOLOLOL!" (loud enough for the whole bus to hear).

Practically everyone on the bus turns around with a WTF look and then starts laughing. I can only surmise that he was taking a sit down number 1, had face planted against the wall and then proceeded to pee into his pants.

After about 10 minutes Mike has to do the walk of shame ... a liquid outline on the floor betrays him all the way back to his seat. Thankfully ski pants are waterproof both ways, otherwise, i would not want to sit in that seat after him ...

After 4.5 grueling hours on the freaking BUMPIEST highways i have ever been on, we arrive at Mount Snow. 


An my day begins. 


It takes me a little while to get my ski legs back, but soon i'm in the rhythm of things so i decide to move away from the Green runs. I start a conversation with a friendly skier on the lift and he mentions that the runs in a certain place are worth skiing, so I beeline there. I should have realised something was amiss when i was confronted by this tree.

What that is is about an inch of freezing rain that has hit the branches on the tree. The rain has frozen on impact and essentially entombed the branches in an icy grave.


Common sense should have made me think about the surface on which i was about to ski on ... but i didnt. Ended up being about 2 inches of solid ice. oh joy ...


Anyway, ice shenanigans aside, something did catch my eye. I was looking at a tree and the branches were pretty barren. Then i noticed that there were things tangled up in it... I was like... gold! someone has dropped their mitts/gloves/belongings and it's caught in the tree. then as i got closer, i realised it was all ladies underwear. cue double take and "wtf".

However, while you may have had a laff/chortle/giggle at what has happened so far, nothing can prepare you for the highlight of the trip. 


Back in high school, there was a kid who had a really flat face. He was the subject of a fair bit of teasing and we thought he had been run over by a steam roller.


Poetic justice was served on this trip. I was steam rollered ... by a 300 pound American. 


I'll paint you a picture. 


I've just gone half way down a run and I'm taking a break. I'm taking a few refreshing sips of water from my Camelbak and I'm getting myself ready to navigate the rest of the ice down the hill.


All of a sudden (cue family guy reference) ...

this 300 pound american comes hurtling down the hill. Now normally, if you are out of control, the courteous thing to do would be to yell and tell people to try and GTFO of the way.


this guy gave NOTHING. all i heard was the typical sound of skis/boards scraping against the snow then suddenly, i've been pancaked. 


W H A T   T H E   F U C K!

I was completely winded but fortunately did not suffer any lasting injuries. 

Now that I have climaxed with that... i'm not sure there is much more to be said.


The rest of the afternoon and indeed the trip back home was pretty ordinary after that...

Office Hygiene/Etiquette

There are a couple of characters at my client. I think all teams have them.

Back in Sydney, i'm the impatient, face palming, swearing, smelly hobo. Unfortunately, i've had to pick up my game here and had to repress a lot of these traits.

Which brings me to the new characters in the office. There's a contractor sitting behind me who I call the gas fitter. At regular intervals, he/she lets off a very distinctive and sharp fart. There's about 10 people sitting behind me, so I can't tell which one it is ... but you gotta wonder, who is just relaxing that much and just letting it rip?

There's also the miner. When i walk past her, seldom do i not catch her looking for boogers up her nose. Like honestly, if she dug any further, she would tickle her own brain. I'm pretty sure she's up to the second or third knuckle!

Then there's the "3 second rule" guy. I was washing my hands in the men's room and the dude right next to me had all these paper towels on the counter. i figured he had pee'd himself or got some major splashback and was just cleaning himself up.

BUT NO!

Suddenly, he disappears from view and when i look over he has something on his finger. it's a contact lens and he's clearly dropped it on the ground. he gets his contact solution and squirts some on, rubs it around some and then jams it back in his eye. 

I practically do a double take. i think that most things that touch the ground in a public toilet have passed the point of no return. unless it is something valuable like a wallet perhaps. he's pretty much applied the three second rule (that applies to dropped food) to a contact lens. 

YUCK. he's practically just put pee and poo in his eye.

Here's waiting to see a hectic eye infection in the days to come...