A sign

Today I saw a girl wearing a cardboard sign which read


"Will listen to your problems for $2.00" 


This presented incredible value for money, so I engaged her services. For those unfamiliar with my afflictions, I have great number of problems/issues/etc and I figured I'd be getting great value for money ... however, instead of me venting, she vented to me ... WTF. 


I'm sorry, but I believe I paid YOU $2.00 so you would listen to MY problems. I was having trouble getting a word in sideways! 


I soon realised that I was being taken for a ride and that my two dorra was going to be a donation. Stubborn as I am, I decided to ask for my money back because she has misrepresented her services. Instead, she continued venting and pretty much just ignored what I had to say. 


In the end, after a brief shouting match outside Bryant Park, I relented and walked away. I must have looked like a complete mental because I was shouting at some crazy who wore a cardboard placard. Then I realised that I was in New York and people shout at each other for no apparent reason. 


Well played douche bag... well played... 

brown pants-ed myself .... nearly

The last week or so, I've been Hotel-hopping. Having been evicted from my apartment on two days notice, it was unsurprisingly a little bit difficult for me to find suitable accommodations on such short notice. 


// Start Back Story


The back story is that I "accidentally" signed a 6 month lease with Marriott Execustay. Unfortunately, my sensitive allergies were flaring up in the apartment and I was needing to get fully doped up on antihistamines to get through each day. 


Marriott had no problem with me leaving the apartment, but would keep me rent obligated if a new tenant could not be found. I was beginning to lose hope that i would be stuck for the remaining months in this apartment, however, on the 30th of March, I was duly informed that a new tenant had been found and that i had to GTFO by the 1st of April..... YAY!


Unfortunately, it is a little bit challenging to get an apartment on short notice, and i had to go through the proper channels to secure a new lease. This means waiting for strategic sourcing blah blah blah to do their thing. 


In the meantime, it meant i had to find a hotel to stay in. The only hotel which could accommodate me was none other than the W Hotel New York. FANCEE ... 


The hotel room was an absolute shoebox, but i got by for the week. On Sunday, my rate was going to go up significantly, so to be considerate, i changed hotels to the Element by Westin in Times Square West. I had my first glimpse of how it felt to live on the west side :)


// End Back Story


Anyway, I went skiing this weekend and I was pretty tired. It was the morning after my first night in the hotel... When I woke up, I went to the bathroom to put on my face for work. My bathroom has a full length mirror on the door and in my half awoken state, i reached out to push the door open. I was confronted by a dark image reaching out to me. I make no excuses, but I had no lights on and it was quite dark. To summarise ... here is a graphical re-enactment. 

I can honestly say, that my heart skipped a beat and concurrently, i brown pants-ed myself, perhaps just a teaspoon, but a change of underwear was nevertheless necessary. Please note that some embellishment has taken place ... the part about my heart skipping a beat that is ... 

Accident

So ... apparently, every time i go on a business trip, I'm involved in some vehicular accident. 


This trip is no different. SNAFU


After an excessive amount of time had elapsed since my last hair cut (as usual), I finally grew tired of the jokes and decided to get my hair cut. A few of my US colleagues remarked that they thought there were several birds nesting inside my hair. I reasoned that i could potentially be destroying a habitat ... by the thrifty side of me realised that i was expending too much product ... so to hell with the birds. which reminds me... here's a funny clip of birds...

I ask around to see whether anyone has got a hairdresser that they recommended. Unfortunately, almost everyone on my team is from out of town, so it's a hopeless cause. One recommends yelp.com, so i go and start reading through some reviews and settle on a hairdresser. 


Due to the popularity of this particular hairdresser , it was difficult to get a booking and so i settled for a thursday at 5:30pm. 


Come thursday, I intended to leave at 4:50 to catch the subway. Unfortunately, due to some unexpected work shenanigans, I didn't manage to walk away from desk until well after 5. Keen to keep my appointment, i tried to hail a cab outside my client's offices. Unfortunately, it was raining and the yellow cabs were in high demand. I settled for one of the town cars that do a flat rate service (and rip you off a little). 


Anyway, i tell him where i want to go and we're on our way.


We make about 5 or 6 cross streets, and then I hear him yell "OH SH!T"... accompanied by the slamming of the brakes. The car fish tails a little on account of the rain and then there is a loud thud....


In slow motion, I hear a scream from outside the car and i see a bicycle flying up over the car and then hitting the back windshield and scraping the boot of the car. 


People around us are screaming, yelling and swearing and accusing different individuals of being maniacs. 

I confess, while I made all these observations, it did take me a little while to react. It probably took me about half a minute before i thought "crap, my driver has just killed a cyclist". I believe the new version of Angry Birds is to blame for the tardiness in my reaction time.

My driver clearly needs to go check on the situation and he tells me to stay in the cab and not to get out. Then i look out the front windshield and there's a crowd gathering around the back of dump truck. All I can think is, sh1t, she's a goner. 


A minute passes and then the crowd starts to part. I thought I was dreaming, but then I see people helping the cyclist out of the dump truck. I didn't know whether to raff out roud or not. I mean sure, it's never cool to be hit by a car, but to be hit by a car and launched into a dump truck? I think that's very well rehearsed choreography ... the "eat sh1t" type of choreography. 


Now the accusations start flying ... one minute passes, two minute passes, three ... now i'm getting impatient. i have an appointment to get to and I'll admit, the impatience that many New Yorkers have is rubbing off on me. haha ... who am I kidding, we all know that is bollocks and that I have always been impatient. 


Then the police come along. Then it turns into a multi way shouting match ... I move to get out of the car, the driver then yells at me, "i'm almost done here. STAY IN THE CAR". 


I'm completely baffled as to what I should do. I start playing scenarios through in my mind on how i can get to my appointment on time. But true to his word, the driver returns moments later and we're on our way. 


What seemed to take an eternity to sort out, turned out to be 15 minutes. In the end, the police officer negotiated some sort of agreement whereby, no one got anything. The cyclist ran a red light, so was at fault. Her bicycle was mangled, but the driver's bumper was dented and his boot scratched. Essentially everyone walked away a little bit sore and with a little bit more adrenaline pumping through their system. 


About an hour later, i walked out with my hair cut and went back to start what would become a 100+ hour work week. 

Baffled

I refer to my post dated the 14 march 2011. 


"Practically everyone on the bus turns around with a WTF look and then starts laughing. I can only surmise that he was taking a sit down number 1, had face planted against the wall and then proceeded to pee into his pants."


This individual will go nameless, however, this is the conversation that transpired this morning. 


"How can guys take a sit down number 1? Is that even anatomically possible?!?!"


"Are you suggesting that if guys had to do number 1 and number 2, that we would first need to do number 1 standing up, then sit down for number 2? What if I change my mind and decided I had more number 1s? Do i need to stand up, turn around and repeat until complete???"


Sadly I had to go to work soon after... I think she's still a little baffled ...

i have a problem...

Let the following photos explain ...


I have noticed that my time in New York has had somewhat of an affect on me. Not only am I now able to shop online in the US, but there are so many bargains to be had... so many that I've seem to have lost self control. I have become rather thrifty... those of you who know me well enough, will know the typical comment i would insert here.


Photo 1... my 4 new snowboards (two new pair of fatties), ski bag, bindings, boot bag and a new pair of touring boots. Plus a pair of boots that were too small so I'm going to return them.

Hrm ... two pairs of pants, 5 jackets ... i'm sure i haven't gone over board ... actually, I haven't... these are all to be returned for a full refund :D 

And still more... a fleece and 5 jackets lol ... two of the left being ones for refund.

So stock take of purchases ...

• Black Diamond Factor Alpine Touring Boot
• Black Diamond Megawatt Ski
• Head Carlos Ski
• Tyrolia Peak 15
• Boot Bag
• Ski Bag

$1360

• 2 x Oakley Fleeces
• Solstice Fleece
• Oakley Jacket
• Mammut Goretex Pro Shell Jacket
• Marmot Flight Commander Jacket

$604

So ... for a whole new kit and then some... set me back $2K. Now to get a decent amount of work this year at the snow so it can be a tax deduction ... 


I LOVE SHOPPING HERE ... if I impulse buy, I can still return it :D

I heart ...

This is an absolute marathon post ...


So, most of the people reading this blog will know that I'm very passionate about my skiing.


So passionate I was, that I actually brought some of my ski gear with me from Sydney in the hope that I would go skiing. 


This weekend, I finally succeeded in booking a trip out to Mount Snow. Actually that name is deceptive... It should actually have been called Mount Ice for reasons that shall become obvious. 


The previous weekend, I received a tip from my colleague saying that they had a massive dump of snow (hehehehe dump) in Vermont. So much so that flights were grounded and she was stranded there for a few days and couldn't get a flight back in to work. I can think of worse places to be stranded... but i digress. As such, I got on to ze interweb and booked myself a trip out to Mount Snow in Vermont. At $100 dollars for the day, it was a bargain - 4.5 hour bus trip each way and lift ticket included. For $100 dollars, you can barely even get a day-pass for Perisher. 


I love Perisher and I work for them, but I'm fairly certain I will never pay to ski there ever again or anywhere in Australia for that matter. 


So let the shenanigans begin. 


It's 11PM on Saturday and I'm due to catch a 4:30AM bus from the Upper East Side on Sunday. I'm packing my shit making sure I've got everything and at about 12AM I'm finally about to get some shut eye. Just as i'm closing the laptop, I get an IM from a colleage...


"Did you know that we are switching over from day light savings time at 2AM?"


My response :


"No I fscken did not!"


So ... that's another hour of sleep i was not going to have. I frantically did some research and realised i had to wind my clocks forward one hour.


In hindsight, my mobile phone would have figured it out just fine, but my desk clock would have totally dropped the ball. Unlike this dog...

ANYWAY...

I get in a cab and make my way up to the upper east side and wait for the bus. Everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately, my stop was the last one and there were only a few seats left. I reluctantly take a seat towards the back of the bus, conveniently located to the in-bus toilet.

And wheels on the bus go round and round ...

Shenanigan number 1 (on the way up)

One of the guys clearly had a big night on Saturday and probably did not sleep at all. He had to relieve himself about an hour in so he uses the in-bus facilities. I can only speculate at what happened in the bathroom, but i'm fairly certain i'm on the money here.

As he's doing his thing, suddenly the bus has to brake suddenly. Shit is flying everywhere ... people are spilling drinks/food and luggage is dropping out of the overhead bins. 

With my toilet "vantage point", i hear this loud thud and a groan and then yelling from within the toilet. 

So, I'm having a bit of a giggle. A minute or two elapses then I see someone else walk up to the back of the bus. He knocks on the door and this is the conversation that transpired :

"Hey Mike, are you ok in there? I got your call but I couldn't hear you properly."

"OMG there is piss EVERYWHERE. Do you have a spare pair of pants????"

"UMM... WTF, did you pee yourself?" 

"OMG, IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG AND INTO MY SHOES!" 

"AHAHAHA THAT'S HILARIOUS. HEY JIM, MIKE JUST PEED ALL OVER HIMSELF. IT'S GOING INTO HIS SHOES!!! LOLOLOL!" (loud enough for the whole bus to hear).

Practically everyone on the bus turns around with a WTF look and then starts laughing. I can only surmise that he was taking a sit down number 1, had face planted against the wall and then proceeded to pee into his pants.

After about 10 minutes Mike has to do the walk of shame ... a liquid outline on the floor betrays him all the way back to his seat. Thankfully ski pants are waterproof both ways, otherwise, i would not want to sit in that seat after him ...

After 4.5 grueling hours on the freaking BUMPIEST highways i have ever been on, we arrive at Mount Snow. 


An my day begins. 


It takes me a little while to get my ski legs back, but soon i'm in the rhythm of things so i decide to move away from the Green runs. I start a conversation with a friendly skier on the lift and he mentions that the runs in a certain place are worth skiing, so I beeline there. I should have realised something was amiss when i was confronted by this tree.

What that is is about an inch of freezing rain that has hit the branches on the tree. The rain has frozen on impact and essentially entombed the branches in an icy grave.


Common sense should have made me think about the surface on which i was about to ski on ... but i didnt. Ended up being about 2 inches of solid ice. oh joy ...


Anyway, ice shenanigans aside, something did catch my eye. I was looking at a tree and the branches were pretty barren. Then i noticed that there were things tangled up in it... I was like... gold! someone has dropped their mitts/gloves/belongings and it's caught in the tree. then as i got closer, i realised it was all ladies underwear. cue double take and "wtf".

However, while you may have had a laff/chortle/giggle at what has happened so far, nothing can prepare you for the highlight of the trip. 


Back in high school, there was a kid who had a really flat face. He was the subject of a fair bit of teasing and we thought he had been run over by a steam roller.


Poetic justice was served on this trip. I was steam rollered ... by a 300 pound American. 


I'll paint you a picture. 


I've just gone half way down a run and I'm taking a break. I'm taking a few refreshing sips of water from my Camelbak and I'm getting myself ready to navigate the rest of the ice down the hill.


All of a sudden (cue family guy reference) ...

this 300 pound american comes hurtling down the hill. Now normally, if you are out of control, the courteous thing to do would be to yell and tell people to try and GTFO of the way.


this guy gave NOTHING. all i heard was the typical sound of skis/boards scraping against the snow then suddenly, i've been pancaked. 


W H A T   T H E   F U C K!

I was completely winded but fortunately did not suffer any lasting injuries. 

Now that I have climaxed with that... i'm not sure there is much more to be said.


The rest of the afternoon and indeed the trip back home was pretty ordinary after that...

Office Hygiene/Etiquette

There are a couple of characters at my client. I think all teams have them.

Back in Sydney, i'm the impatient, face palming, swearing, smelly hobo. Unfortunately, i've had to pick up my game here and had to repress a lot of these traits.

Which brings me to the new characters in the office. There's a contractor sitting behind me who I call the gas fitter. At regular intervals, he/she lets off a very distinctive and sharp fart. There's about 10 people sitting behind me, so I can't tell which one it is ... but you gotta wonder, who is just relaxing that much and just letting it rip?

There's also the miner. When i walk past her, seldom do i not catch her looking for boogers up her nose. Like honestly, if she dug any further, she would tickle her own brain. I'm pretty sure she's up to the second or third knuckle!

Then there's the "3 second rule" guy. I was washing my hands in the men's room and the dude right next to me had all these paper towels on the counter. i figured he had pee'd himself or got some major splashback and was just cleaning himself up.

BUT NO!

Suddenly, he disappears from view and when i look over he has something on his finger. it's a contact lens and he's clearly dropped it on the ground. he gets his contact solution and squirts some on, rubs it around some and then jams it back in his eye. 

I practically do a double take. i think that most things that touch the ground in a public toilet have passed the point of no return. unless it is something valuable like a wallet perhaps. he's pretty much applied the three second rule (that applies to dropped food) to a contact lens. 

YUCK. he's practically just put pee and poo in his eye.

Here's waiting to see a hectic eye infection in the days to come...

A regular day in the office

So, i was watching The King's Speech. 


There was a certain moment in the film which reminded me of my normal day in the office in Sydney. 


Those who work in close proximity to me are fairly desensitised to my outbursts and face palms, however, this takes it one step further. Totally puts me to shame ;)


For your viewing pleasure :

Raped

There is a running joke at work that i LOVE chess. 


Token of photo of me professing my love for chess

It all came about one day after a colleague asked me what i did on the weekend. I replied with "I played a little sport" ... when instead i perhaps should have said "I played some squash". 


Because i was being vague, they were convinced that i was actually playing chess, and I have since been receiving endless sh1t for it. In my futile attempts to divert the attention away, i thought it would be funny to suggest that a certain individual at work played extreme chess on the weekends.


Example 1 ...

Example 2 ...

Unfortunately, said plan backfired. People at work are now convinced that my weekends are spent playing chess.


Today ... I was raped. In a public place. The worst thing was, I knew it was coming, and there was nothing I could do about it.


Let me explain.


Saturday is our token coffee day where we attempt to find a proper coffee in New York that doesn't taste like horseshit.


Today, we picked a place near Union Square and we bought a few cupcakes as an accompaniment. Unfortunately, as we were noming, a couple of random people started setting up tables with Chess boards.


My colleagues thought it would be extremely amusing for me to challenge one of these "grand masters". Chess is a game i have not played for about 13 years. I was convinced that I was going to suffer a 4 move checkmate. I don't know how many moves it took for him to win, but i can say that i was thoroughly RAPED. 


I have photos, by they are a little bit too graphic ... 


My best effort at intense concentration...

You can see the very few pieces i have captured ... and the invasion of the opponents queen into my territory :p

Look of dejection as I come to the realisation that i'm about to be taken advantage of ....

I think i have thus proven that i do not play chess on the weekend as i totally suck, however, to prove this, i had to play chess on the weekend. 


FML

Shutdown at work

The other day, I overheard two people arguing at work. It was over a fairly trivial matter, however, there appeared little sign of either relenting. 


One of them finally said :


"I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."


Shut Down. That is all.

hehehe ;)

Front loaders

While I believe that I am domesticated and have proven that I can survive on my own, I can honestly say that I was completely baffled by a certain whitegood today. 


The front loader in my apartment. 


Here is a photo of the culprit in action

I confess that I had to google the manual and seek confirmation from a colleague back in Sydney.


I have only had experience with top loaders... you put the softener in the thing in the middle and powder or cleaning stuff on top of the clothes. 

Anyway, in the front loader, there's this little drawer with three compartments, one for the prewash, one for the wash and one for the softener. Unfortunately, they were not marked very well and I was totally WTF with where i needed to put the detergent. 


Anyway, to cut to the chase, I figured it out and was very relieved to receive confirmation that I had indeed done the right thing. 


I was very puzzled at the lack of water in the washer though. I couldn't see any water in there and was wondering whether or not the tap had been switched on. I must have spent a good half an hour nervously watching my clothes tumble around before finally being able to open the door and see that my clothes indeed had been washed. 


I had another giggle today. I did not notice in the store when i purchased my laundry detergent ...

My laundry detergent has touch of downy ...

A BOOTYful accident

Nuff said.

Brooklyn and Peds

We had nice weather again on Sunday.


One of my colleagues who has previously worked in New York knew of a Pizza joint in Brooklyn called Grimaldi's. It's meant to be quite famous but I've never heard of it. It turned out to be quite nice actually. Me approving of something? I know right? 


Our travels there, however, was quite complicated. 


It began with a subway ride from Grand Central to Wall Street. Besides the usual fruitcakes that pepper the subway - buskers, hobos, mentals, it was a pretty routine ride. My colleagues have remarked that there's always going to be a fruitcake on the subway I'm travelling on ... ME. Word.


I walked over to the W Residences and met up with the rest of the team and we walked past Ground Zero on our way to the subway . Worried that some of our party would struggle to walk there and back, a decision was made to catch the subway over to Brooklyn, eat lunch and then walk back.


Not withstanding that there are about a dozen ways we could have gotten to Brooklyn (subway or not), we had to catch the A or the C train as it would get us as close as possible to the Pizza joint. 


Unfortunately, for us, the entrance to the A and C train platform was extremely elusive. It took us no less than 3 attempts before we found the right entrance to the A and C trains.


We only had one stop to travel and when we alighted the subway and walked up to the surface, we were a tad lost. Fortunately, an older gentleman observed our cluelessness and offered to provide us with some directions. Seems that the people over in Brooklyn are a lot nicer! All except this guy ... 

Seems that my colleague earned the admiration of a stalker in the brief time we were over in Brooklyn ...


Grimaldi's was not bad at all. It was different to what i'm used to. Normally, you can choose your own pizza or go with something that's on the menu. This place was different in that it only offered a personalised pizza - what you wanted to put on it. You choose a red or a white base and then you got to put on any number of different toppings. 


After our delightful lunch, we walked back to Manhattan over the Brooklyn bridge.

Token shot of the bridge....

And a sign to remind us where we were ....

Shoutout to our token photo terrorist who takes pleasure in photo bombing as many photos as possible ;) i tip my hat to you.

It was a fairly easy walk back and i don't think we would have had any issue walking there and back.


My afternoon ended quite well. Being the douche that i am, i did notice a sign that made me snigger ...

The sign clearly indicates that cyclists to yield to pedestrians ... though in my mind, it just reminded me of mr herbert from family guy.

if you don't understand the reference, i saw yield to pedophiles ... i earnt myself a giggle this afternoon :)

Cheer up!

Normal service will resume in the next post... 


Hot yoga... 

and

CUPCAKES

Day off

Saturday was actually the first day i didn't have to go to work. it was decided ... a leisurely stroll around central park. started walking from my new home around 9:30am. by the time i had finished walking it was almost 5:30pm. ZOMG. my regs are tired. 

My stroll did bring me some joys and giggles. Having been confined to the office for most of the week, just about anything was going to be exciting. frozen sheet ice on the many lakes/ponds in central park... excitement! 

 and ... SQUIRRELS!

unfortunately, it came with a warning ...

Anyway ... they're exactly like Hammy from over the hedge. 

Which brings me to my next photo ... 

Unfortunately, the one i like is blocked by the stall's owner. it says "DRINK COFFEE. Do stupid things faster with MORE ENERGY". 

It's actually a pretty apt way of describing the work that so many of us must do...

The latest addition to my life if actually a new phone! An htc inspire 4g (essentially a nextg version of the htc desire hd). 2G iphone, you were a constant pain in the ass, you were slow and you were rubbish. good riddance and i hope never to deal with your shenanigans ever again

While i'm about 3 years behind, gps, google maps and a data plan are extremely helpful. i can pretty much find anything i need in this vast city ... even figure out what subways to catch.

The only downside is that battery life is remarkably shit. 

To close off, i need to mention that i have an itch ... and it definitely needs scratching. new york has had a rather major bedbug infestation, and this morning i noticed that there were 4 bites on my legs ... i'm a little bit concerned that my apartment may not have been sufficiently sanitised... i guess the next few days will tell.

My new pad!

On Friday it rained.

I had looked out the hotel window and saw the few odd people holding an umbrella and though, it's only 100 metres across two sets of lights to work.

After i had left the safety of the hotel lobby, and made it to the first light, it's started shitting down. Then i saw the people wearing knee high gumboots. I thought that was rather extreme, until i saw some kid practically get eaten alive by a 30cm deep puddle forming in pot holes on the road.

Good grief...

Anyway, Friday was the anxiously awaited day when i would move into my new apartment. I had debated whether or not i wanted to live in an apartment or in a starwood hotel ... (double points + 500 bonus points per night on Thursday -  Sunday... ffs), but in the end, i figured i'd keep it simple, and opted for the apartment which my manager had booked me into.

Earlier in the day, I had found out earlier that my manager was receiving a referral bonus for putting people up at the hotel (*cough* kickbacks) and was rather worried i would be booked into a closest.

My worst fears were realised when i go to the new place and attempted to check in. The staff was surprised at my arrival and when i asked to check in, he flatly stated that no one was meant to be checking in today.

Ahhh ... the major cockup had decided to rear its ugly head when i had repacked my life into a suitcase and after i been transported to my new "home".

Anyway, the short of it was that head office forgot to send the paperwork through. 30 minutes later, i was sorted and i was escorted up to my apartment. My colleagues staying downtown were put up in to the new W residences and had very little space... my expectations were somewhat low and i feared the worst. when i opened the door i was confronted what appeared to be a dining/living room with a fold out table and a fold out bed.

Lovely ...

Further inspection revealed that there was a bathroom and a bedroom ... much to my relief. fold out bed turned out to be an actual sofa ... not a bad result.

Apartment appears to be fairly spacious... there's plenty of storage space so my message to my amex is rule number #18 of zombieland : limber up ... you're about to get a real workout.

Anyway ... time to unpack

Rats and American Food

This morning I saw a GIANT rat outside of my hotel.

Now the place i am staying at, is no classy establishment ... but this RAT was huge.

As i said ... HUGE.

I don't know what a giant inflatable rat is doing outside the hotel ... but it is what it is.

I finally started doing some work today - still a battle to get an ID pass as well as logins for all the servers ... but slowly, we are getting there.

Dinner was interesting. I have spent the last few days recovering from Jet Lag and tonight was the first night that I managed to go out and grab a bite to eat. I met some of my colleagues down on Wall Street at an establishment called Nobu.

There were two items on the menu that I took note of.

This first item is called the Wall Street Sushi.

Notice the gold leaf on top. How decadent...

The second item was actually my idea of what American food was going to be like. It was a dessert item.

I think it's pretty easy to tell that it is deep fried. It's actually a tempura battered cheesecake as recommended by our waitress. 

We ordered one between five of us ... and it was more than enough. She thought that maybe we would need a few more.

So ... first dining experience in New York of this trip ... pricey ... oily ... and a little bit excessive. totally NOT what i was expecting ...