Baffled

I refer to my post dated the 14 march 2011. 


"Practically everyone on the bus turns around with a WTF look and then starts laughing. I can only surmise that he was taking a sit down number 1, had face planted against the wall and then proceeded to pee into his pants."


This individual will go nameless, however, this is the conversation that transpired this morning. 


"How can guys take a sit down number 1? Is that even anatomically possible?!?!"


"Are you suggesting that if guys had to do number 1 and number 2, that we would first need to do number 1 standing up, then sit down for number 2? What if I change my mind and decided I had more number 1s? Do i need to stand up, turn around and repeat until complete???"


Sadly I had to go to work soon after... I think she's still a little baffled ...

i have a problem...

Let the following photos explain ...


I have noticed that my time in New York has had somewhat of an affect on me. Not only am I now able to shop online in the US, but there are so many bargains to be had... so many that I've seem to have lost self control. I have become rather thrifty... those of you who know me well enough, will know the typical comment i would insert here.


Photo 1... my 4 new snowboards (two new pair of fatties), ski bag, bindings, boot bag and a new pair of touring boots. Plus a pair of boots that were too small so I'm going to return them.

Hrm ... two pairs of pants, 5 jackets ... i'm sure i haven't gone over board ... actually, I haven't... these are all to be returned for a full refund :D 

And still more... a fleece and 5 jackets lol ... two of the left being ones for refund.

So stock take of purchases ...

• Black Diamond Factor Alpine Touring Boot
• Black Diamond Megawatt Ski
• Head Carlos Ski
• Tyrolia Peak 15
• Boot Bag
• Ski Bag

$1360

• 2 x Oakley Fleeces
• Solstice Fleece
• Oakley Jacket
• Mammut Goretex Pro Shell Jacket
• Marmot Flight Commander Jacket

$604

So ... for a whole new kit and then some... set me back $2K. Now to get a decent amount of work this year at the snow so it can be a tax deduction ... 


I LOVE SHOPPING HERE ... if I impulse buy, I can still return it :D

I heart ...

This is an absolute marathon post ...


So, most of the people reading this blog will know that I'm very passionate about my skiing.


So passionate I was, that I actually brought some of my ski gear with me from Sydney in the hope that I would go skiing. 


This weekend, I finally succeeded in booking a trip out to Mount Snow. Actually that name is deceptive... It should actually have been called Mount Ice for reasons that shall become obvious. 


The previous weekend, I received a tip from my colleague saying that they had a massive dump of snow (hehehehe dump) in Vermont. So much so that flights were grounded and she was stranded there for a few days and couldn't get a flight back in to work. I can think of worse places to be stranded... but i digress. As such, I got on to ze interweb and booked myself a trip out to Mount Snow in Vermont. At $100 dollars for the day, it was a bargain - 4.5 hour bus trip each way and lift ticket included. For $100 dollars, you can barely even get a day-pass for Perisher. 


I love Perisher and I work for them, but I'm fairly certain I will never pay to ski there ever again or anywhere in Australia for that matter. 


So let the shenanigans begin. 


It's 11PM on Saturday and I'm due to catch a 4:30AM bus from the Upper East Side on Sunday. I'm packing my shit making sure I've got everything and at about 12AM I'm finally about to get some shut eye. Just as i'm closing the laptop, I get an IM from a colleage...


"Did you know that we are switching over from day light savings time at 2AM?"


My response :


"No I fscken did not!"


So ... that's another hour of sleep i was not going to have. I frantically did some research and realised i had to wind my clocks forward one hour.


In hindsight, my mobile phone would have figured it out just fine, but my desk clock would have totally dropped the ball. Unlike this dog...

ANYWAY...

I get in a cab and make my way up to the upper east side and wait for the bus. Everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately, my stop was the last one and there were only a few seats left. I reluctantly take a seat towards the back of the bus, conveniently located to the in-bus toilet.

And wheels on the bus go round and round ...

Shenanigan number 1 (on the way up)

One of the guys clearly had a big night on Saturday and probably did not sleep at all. He had to relieve himself about an hour in so he uses the in-bus facilities. I can only speculate at what happened in the bathroom, but i'm fairly certain i'm on the money here.

As he's doing his thing, suddenly the bus has to brake suddenly. Shit is flying everywhere ... people are spilling drinks/food and luggage is dropping out of the overhead bins. 

With my toilet "vantage point", i hear this loud thud and a groan and then yelling from within the toilet. 

So, I'm having a bit of a giggle. A minute or two elapses then I see someone else walk up to the back of the bus. He knocks on the door and this is the conversation that transpired :

"Hey Mike, are you ok in there? I got your call but I couldn't hear you properly."

"OMG there is piss EVERYWHERE. Do you have a spare pair of pants????"

"UMM... WTF, did you pee yourself?" 

"OMG, IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG AND INTO MY SHOES!" 

"AHAHAHA THAT'S HILARIOUS. HEY JIM, MIKE JUST PEED ALL OVER HIMSELF. IT'S GOING INTO HIS SHOES!!! LOLOLOL!" (loud enough for the whole bus to hear).

Practically everyone on the bus turns around with a WTF look and then starts laughing. I can only surmise that he was taking a sit down number 1, had face planted against the wall and then proceeded to pee into his pants.

After about 10 minutes Mike has to do the walk of shame ... a liquid outline on the floor betrays him all the way back to his seat. Thankfully ski pants are waterproof both ways, otherwise, i would not want to sit in that seat after him ...

After 4.5 grueling hours on the freaking BUMPIEST highways i have ever been on, we arrive at Mount Snow. 


An my day begins. 


It takes me a little while to get my ski legs back, but soon i'm in the rhythm of things so i decide to move away from the Green runs. I start a conversation with a friendly skier on the lift and he mentions that the runs in a certain place are worth skiing, so I beeline there. I should have realised something was amiss when i was confronted by this tree.

What that is is about an inch of freezing rain that has hit the branches on the tree. The rain has frozen on impact and essentially entombed the branches in an icy grave.


Common sense should have made me think about the surface on which i was about to ski on ... but i didnt. Ended up being about 2 inches of solid ice. oh joy ...


Anyway, ice shenanigans aside, something did catch my eye. I was looking at a tree and the branches were pretty barren. Then i noticed that there were things tangled up in it... I was like... gold! someone has dropped their mitts/gloves/belongings and it's caught in the tree. then as i got closer, i realised it was all ladies underwear. cue double take and "wtf".

However, while you may have had a laff/chortle/giggle at what has happened so far, nothing can prepare you for the highlight of the trip. 


Back in high school, there was a kid who had a really flat face. He was the subject of a fair bit of teasing and we thought he had been run over by a steam roller.


Poetic justice was served on this trip. I was steam rollered ... by a 300 pound American. 


I'll paint you a picture. 


I've just gone half way down a run and I'm taking a break. I'm taking a few refreshing sips of water from my Camelbak and I'm getting myself ready to navigate the rest of the ice down the hill.


All of a sudden (cue family guy reference) ...

this 300 pound american comes hurtling down the hill. Now normally, if you are out of control, the courteous thing to do would be to yell and tell people to try and GTFO of the way.


this guy gave NOTHING. all i heard was the typical sound of skis/boards scraping against the snow then suddenly, i've been pancaked. 


W H A T   T H E   F U C K!

I was completely winded but fortunately did not suffer any lasting injuries. 

Now that I have climaxed with that... i'm not sure there is much more to be said.


The rest of the afternoon and indeed the trip back home was pretty ordinary after that...

Office Hygiene/Etiquette

There are a couple of characters at my client. I think all teams have them.

Back in Sydney, i'm the impatient, face palming, swearing, smelly hobo. Unfortunately, i've had to pick up my game here and had to repress a lot of these traits.

Which brings me to the new characters in the office. There's a contractor sitting behind me who I call the gas fitter. At regular intervals, he/she lets off a very distinctive and sharp fart. There's about 10 people sitting behind me, so I can't tell which one it is ... but you gotta wonder, who is just relaxing that much and just letting it rip?

There's also the miner. When i walk past her, seldom do i not catch her looking for boogers up her nose. Like honestly, if she dug any further, she would tickle her own brain. I'm pretty sure she's up to the second or third knuckle!

Then there's the "3 second rule" guy. I was washing my hands in the men's room and the dude right next to me had all these paper towels on the counter. i figured he had pee'd himself or got some major splashback and was just cleaning himself up.

BUT NO!

Suddenly, he disappears from view and when i look over he has something on his finger. it's a contact lens and he's clearly dropped it on the ground. he gets his contact solution and squirts some on, rubs it around some and then jams it back in his eye. 

I practically do a double take. i think that most things that touch the ground in a public toilet have passed the point of no return. unless it is something valuable like a wallet perhaps. he's pretty much applied the three second rule (that applies to dropped food) to a contact lens. 

YUCK. he's practically just put pee and poo in his eye.

Here's waiting to see a hectic eye infection in the days to come...

A regular day in the office

So, i was watching The King's Speech. 


There was a certain moment in the film which reminded me of my normal day in the office in Sydney. 


Those who work in close proximity to me are fairly desensitised to my outbursts and face palms, however, this takes it one step further. Totally puts me to shame ;)


For your viewing pleasure :

Raped

There is a running joke at work that i LOVE chess. 


Token of photo of me professing my love for chess

It all came about one day after a colleague asked me what i did on the weekend. I replied with "I played a little sport" ... when instead i perhaps should have said "I played some squash". 


Because i was being vague, they were convinced that i was actually playing chess, and I have since been receiving endless sh1t for it. In my futile attempts to divert the attention away, i thought it would be funny to suggest that a certain individual at work played extreme chess on the weekends.


Example 1 ...

Example 2 ...

Unfortunately, said plan backfired. People at work are now convinced that my weekends are spent playing chess.


Today ... I was raped. In a public place. The worst thing was, I knew it was coming, and there was nothing I could do about it.


Let me explain.


Saturday is our token coffee day where we attempt to find a proper coffee in New York that doesn't taste like horseshit.


Today, we picked a place near Union Square and we bought a few cupcakes as an accompaniment. Unfortunately, as we were noming, a couple of random people started setting up tables with Chess boards.


My colleagues thought it would be extremely amusing for me to challenge one of these "grand masters". Chess is a game i have not played for about 13 years. I was convinced that I was going to suffer a 4 move checkmate. I don't know how many moves it took for him to win, but i can say that i was thoroughly RAPED. 


I have photos, by they are a little bit too graphic ... 


My best effort at intense concentration...

You can see the very few pieces i have captured ... and the invasion of the opponents queen into my territory :p

Look of dejection as I come to the realisation that i'm about to be taken advantage of ....

I think i have thus proven that i do not play chess on the weekend as i totally suck, however, to prove this, i had to play chess on the weekend. 


FML

Shutdown at work

The other day, I overheard two people arguing at work. It was over a fairly trivial matter, however, there appeared little sign of either relenting. 


One of them finally said :


"I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."


Shut Down. That is all.

hehehe ;)

Front loaders

While I believe that I am domesticated and have proven that I can survive on my own, I can honestly say that I was completely baffled by a certain whitegood today. 


The front loader in my apartment. 


Here is a photo of the culprit in action

I confess that I had to google the manual and seek confirmation from a colleague back in Sydney.


I have only had experience with top loaders... you put the softener in the thing in the middle and powder or cleaning stuff on top of the clothes. 

Anyway, in the front loader, there's this little drawer with three compartments, one for the prewash, one for the wash and one for the softener. Unfortunately, they were not marked very well and I was totally WTF with where i needed to put the detergent. 


Anyway, to cut to the chase, I figured it out and was very relieved to receive confirmation that I had indeed done the right thing. 


I was very puzzled at the lack of water in the washer though. I couldn't see any water in there and was wondering whether or not the tap had been switched on. I must have spent a good half an hour nervously watching my clothes tumble around before finally being able to open the door and see that my clothes indeed had been washed. 


I had another giggle today. I did not notice in the store when i purchased my laundry detergent ...

My laundry detergent has touch of downy ...

A BOOTYful accident

Nuff said.